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I Was An Idiot

?I was an idiot.?

The therapist jerked in his seat, brimming with surprise at having finally heard the young man?s voice reveal anything other than polite greetings turned derision for their sessions. Three weeks of one hour-long silence per day between the doctor and his patient had almost made the professional lose hope.

?You were an idiot,? Thad Whittock repeated. ?Why is that, Iante??

The blond sat across from him, feet drawn up on the armchair as if he belonged there in his striped pyjamas, raised his head and shrugged. ?You know why,? he stated, lifting a hand to rub at one bruised eyelid. ?You?ve got it all written down in the file. What happened, that is.?

?You said ?I was an idiot?, Iante. Past tense. So you?re not an idiot now??

Iante took a moment to consider those words. ?No,? he replied. ?Not any more. I know better now.?

?When did you start being an idiot??

?I never had a chance,? Iante snorted, shaking his head. ?Never had a hope in hell.?

?You?ll need to elaborate for me, Iante.?

?Do you know it says ?Harri Clowes? on my birth certificate??

?I do, yes.?

?He?s not my real father. He died before I was born, my biological father. Mum says that he never even knew I existed. I don?t know if she meant to make me feel better by saying that or whether she was being honest, but it didn?t make it any easier. My father was a policeman. I?ve seen pictures ? I look an awful lot like him ? and in every single one he?s smiling, and so is my Mum. After he died? She doesn?t smile the same way.?

?She lost her husband and a fantasy of the perfect family,? Whittock ventured aloud. ?Are you surprised that she can?t smile now as she did then??

?Not surprised. I wish that she could?ve found reason to, though.? He picked at the cuff of his shirt and absently pulled a thread from the warm fabric. ?I wish that I could?ve made her smile properly again.?

?Perhaps you did,? the doctor offered. ?Perhaps you were her reason to smile, but??

?But Harri Clowes existed, and he ruined her life before I could even breathe.?

?Tell me how.?

?He knew she was vulnerable. He knew she was alone, still reeling from the loss of what had to have been the most amazing man she?d ever met. We were going to be a proper family. I was going to have someone to look up to and she?d have someone to look forward to seeing every single morning. Harri was neither, as much as he liked to pretend.?

?Are you in pain, Iante??

?Yes,? the trainee forensic pathologist replied sullenly, honestly, though the expression on his face clearly indicated towards confusion at the sudden segue. ?I?ve another hour before my next dose.?

?And another surgery before there?s a chance you can start to heal properly.? Whittock allowed the silence between them to linger for just a few seconds before he leant forward in his seat and gestured with a hand towards his bookcase. ?I?ve read each and every single one of these books, Iante, and they?re all on the subject of the human body. I don?t doubt that you?ve read quite a number of these texts too, but there?s something I want to ask a talented, aspiring doctor like you. Will you tell me why you believe that you?re still in this hospital, and why you?re still in my office for an hour every day after three weeks and four days of sessions??

?I?m still in the hospital because there were complications from my surgery,? Iante muttered. ?And I?m still in this room every day because my friends think I?ve gone crazy.?

?Not quite,? Thad chuckled. ?You?re still in this hospital because you still need to heal ? and most of the reason for that is due to the complications you?re dealing admirably with from your injuries. You?re still in this room daily because your friends are concerned about your mental health. You haven?t spoken to any of them, and you barely acknowledge their existence. You?re polite to the nurses ? you thank them for your medication and say ?please? when they ask if you?d like something. You?re always ready with a ?good morning? when you?re wheeled into this room, too. So tell me, Iante, does it really surprise you that your friends are afraid that something?s wrong with you??

?Something is wrong with me!? Iante snapped, throwing his legs off the chair so that he could level his eyes with the doctor?s. ?Something?s wrong with me and there isn?t anything I can do about it because it?s been wrong since before I was born.?

?Harri Clowes.?

?He has done nothing for me but make me feel like I?m useless. Like being abused is normal and natural and that it means love.?

?But you know this isn?t true.?

?I know that now. I know that after listening to Tommy rant about it for hours after I ran away from Matthew. I know that after listening to everyone who has never been in my situation tell me that it?s going to be okay. Why am I the crazy one for believing that nothing?ll be normal for me??

?Why would you say that, Iante? That nothing will be normal for you??

?I don?t want it to be normal for me! Normal for me is living with Harri. Or living with Matthew. That?s normal. That took up nearly twenty of my twenty-six years on this planet, and I don?t think people realise what becomes rational up here when they haven?t grown up like I did,? Iante spat, pointing toward his temple with a finger.

?One of your bosses left home at sixteen too, did she not??

?With James,? Iante agreed, relaxing back into his seat after having become so riled ? even such a small demonstration of disgust had tired him considerably. ?After her sister killed a boy from their school.?

?And you don?t think that she feels something like you do??

?Because her sister killed someone??

?She faced difficulty too.?

?Romanae?s father loved her. Her mother probably loved her from the moment she was born. When Romanae faced difficulties, her father was by her side constantly.?

?Why is she so different to you? She left when she was sixteen because she couldn?t handle it. You left at sixteen.?

?Maybe you should be asking how we?re similar. Her mother died to give them life. My father died before my mother even told him about me. Her father loves her dearly and always has. My mother barely existed for me. Romanae had friends and family who adored her. I never had that kind of support; I was the weird kid at school, the kid who had a strange name and always had bruises on his face.?

?Iante Clowes isn?t a typical Irish name.?

?No, it?s not. Maybe if I had been a stronger kid, no one would?ve cared so much about my name or that I went to school with unexplained marks.?

?You have a real issue with people in parental roles,? Whittock stated, brows furrowing. ?And I imagine authority figures also slot into that.?

?The only person who has ever done everything he could for me is Tommy,? Iante murmured, eyes on his knees. ?If it hadn?t been for me, he?d have killed Matthew the first time he hit me. If I?d swallowed my pride and went for help, Matthew?d never have been able to hospitalise me once, let alone twice.?

?You wouldn?t ever have been able to cope with that pressure, Iante, and you knew that six years ago just as much as you know that now.?

?I should?ve been stronger. I should?ve trusted Tommy.?

?I think you did the right thing.?

?You?re an idiot, too.?

?Perhaps,? the doctor allowed, smiling softly. ?Iante, you?re a wonderful young person. You?re far stronger than you give yourself credit for, and I think that it?s time you and I did something productive.?

The young medic blinked in surprise, but pulled his feet back up onto the armchair to watch the doctor stand and head to his bookcase.

?I?m sorry for calling you an idiot.?

?No, I don?t think you are,? came the amused reply.

?I am,? Iante replied in earnest. ?You?re not an idiot. You?re where I want to be. Helping people with a fancy title and the respect that comes from it.?

?You?ll get there ? especially if you?re willing to go along with my productivity plan.? Thad returned to his seat with three books in his grasp. ?You must be bored brainless in the hospital. If you?re not ready to open up to your friends, that?s perfectly alright. I won?t force you to lay out your emotions for everyone to see, but in this room, Iante, you?re not under social obligation to make me think you?re coping. I promise to allow you the use of my miniature library here ? as many books as you want, as often, and any questions you have along with the texts even after you?re out of this building permanently ? if you promise me that you?ll make the same progress every day that you have today.?

?I can?t promise that,? the blond answered, morose. ?Sometimes I really just can?t get the words out. It?s like I?ve forgotten English.?

?Sometimes progress isn?t telling me your life history and what you feel about it,? Whittock nodded. ?You can promise whatever you like. I just need to know that you?re going to trust that I?m here to help you.?

?I can?t.? Iante sounded utterly broken when he muttered the two simple syllables. ?I can?t trust you.?

?I don?t need you to trust me. I just need you to trust that I?m going to do everything I can to help. For the hour a day you see me, I?m your doctor and I?m the only one you need to talk to. Can you do that for me, Iante??

?Just? just trust that you?re here to help me and that I only have to talk to you? Even if it?s just about the books?? the patient added, voice tinged with hope.

?Even if it?s just to talk about the books,? Whittock promised. ?First we?ll work on communicating. Then, if you still don?t feel like you can talk to your natural support group, your friends, you and I can talk about what happened. Or anything else.?

The doctor handed a book to Iante and raised an eyebrow.

?I?ve got twenty minutes until my next patient arrives, Iante. Mind filling our usual silence with some talk about your pathology training??

For the first time in three weeks, four days and nineteen hours, the blond smiled.

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